Thursday, 22 January 2009
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Confronting Others... and speak it in love
I think one of the toughest things to overcome about confronting others is fear. Fear of rejection, fear that the person you are confronting would hate your guts, fear that your point doesn't get across. On top of that, the fear seems to be more pronounce when the relationship that you have with that person is almost like walking on thin ice. Wrong choice of words could very easily end all communications between each other.. especially that person is family.
I had to confront my sister this past week, and let me tell you, I don't normally do it. Over the past 5 years or so, we've been non-directly building our friendship through one common ground, that is, volleyball. Before that, we pretty much had nothing. There were a lot of tears and fights which make our relationship extremely fragile.. but we both love each other
In any case, it came up as a financial issue between her and my parents for her wedding. If you don't know much about the Chinese culture, the bride's family don't really participate in any of the finances of the wedding 'cause they're "losing a daughter" - which completely contradicts the western thinking - that family supports family, which is the way my sister is more familiar with. Nothing wrong with either side of thinking, but with the lack of communication, angry words were thrown at each other. What's great about having God as your BFF is that He gives you wisdom on so many levels. I saw how each of them thinks, how it affects each other's relationship.
During the Christmas break, I learned this one interesting lesson by Jesse D. In 1 Samuel 17, the children of Israel were confronted with a huge problem.. Giants roaming around the land that God had promised His people. No one dare to fight the one giant that challenged them, Goliath. Now little (King) David, who walked with the Lord for so many years, stood up in boldness and said in verse 29, "“What have I done now? Is there not a cause?”
Everything we do on this earth is for a cause. It is the one thing that motivates us the things we do. So what's the point of this? I was motivated to speak to her because of the greater cause, that is, the union of my family. Realizing what your cause is will help you to stay focused to achieve the victory that God wants you to have. Have faith that God will work things out for you, that He never fails, His Word never fails, because love never fails (1 Cor. 13:8). So if you do what His Word says, you'll never fail. Also realize that you also need to do your part. James 2:7 - Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
Always ask God for the right time. For me to step in at the moment they were arguing is going to fail. Why?
1. In the surface, there are too many emotions involved. Emotions will lead to other emotions, and emotions are never stable. Emotions arise when there's fear/selfishness involved.
2. Underneath all the emotions, lie selfishness, which are led by fear. The whole situation is about how do I protect myself? How is mom going to protect me from a financial deficit because of the wedding? How do I help my daughter without getting in a financial deficit in today's unstable economy? See how it's driven by the fear of not being secure?
3. Fear is Satan's weapon. So to get involved where there are emotions, you are battling on his grounds, instead of God's.
So I had to wait for the next day. To wait for the right timing is to be motivated by love - meaning, no emotions, no fear but staying focus on the cause. God nudged me to speak to my sister.. I had the morning to pray about it which is cool. Thank God for His Word and that He is the Truth, because my Jesus took care of everything. I spoke the truth to her, she got a bit defensive. I stayed focus on the cause, and God gave me the wisdom to show her that it's really nobody's fault but a misunderstanding, she kept quiet - usually it's a good sign if you're in a sticky situation with her.
A confrontation is not about attacking a person, to tell them that you hate them, or what's wrong with them. A confrontation when spoke in love is focused on change. People are unique, that's how God created us. And with that uniqueness comes with differences. A confrontation should be constructive, to point out the differences through effective communication (which means, speaking in love) so that change will result.
Guess what? It's the first time I've ever heard this but my mom came back to me that afternoon and told me that my sister apologized to her.
Like I said, love, who is God, never fails. My sister and my mom's relationship is salvaged, differences are exposed. Hallelujah.
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